It's 3:49 a.m., I've been up since 3 a.m. with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I'm hoping in writing this post I'll be able to let out my feelings and go back to sleep.
Tuesday, I start work. In our Arizona life, I'd be waking up to my mom probably coming over to watch Makayla and I'd leave for work fully trusting her with our baby girl. But, that's not the case. This is our Massachusetts life, our military life, so on Tuesday, I drop her off at daycare. She'll be one of eight infants. Two ladies who I don't know will be in charge of taking care of our baby girl. This truly breaks my heart.
I've been beyond BLESSED to have spent the last 6 Months with Makayla. I love seeing her grow...every laugh, smile, movement, and yes, even every cry. If we were financially capable, I'd stay home with her, no doubt. There's nowhere or nothing else I'd rather put all my energy into other than her and my little family.
But that's not the case. Instead, I'll stay wide awake tonight wondering if they'll know her tired whimper, if they'll know that when she stretches out and grunts that her tummy hurts, they'll be the ones to see her crawl for the first time, possibly even see her first steps, they'll be the lucky ones to hear her laugh and see her smile throughout the day, they'll be the ones that rock her to sleep for naps, read her stories or watch her intent focus when she's concentrating on something. These strangers. It won't be me. It sounds selfish I know, but I hate the thought of missing these moments. I feel like I'm abandoning her...leaving her in the world of daycare where THEY'LL be spending most her time with her. I hate it.
I know there's a couple good things from this that I could focus on, but they don't seem to outweigh the bad. For now, I'll put my trust in the man upstairs and her guardian angel to keep her safe and taken care of while she's there. And today, my last day at home with her, I'll make sure to spend every minute soaking in all her smiles.
